Hello There! :)
When first starting this blog I didn't know quite where to start or what to talk about, but this morning I received a text message from a friend regarding plans go to to a club tonight that got me thinking.
For some context, what I do for a living may be unique to some. I work as a party pit blackjack dealer in Downtown Las Vegas. Part of my job as being a "model dealer" is to look beautiful with glamorous makeup and wear skimpy outfits to attract customers to come play with us. We wear sparkly cowgirl hats and magenta sequin pink bras, along with a a black vest, fishnet stockings, booty shorts, and knee high boots as our uniforms. While appearances may get people to sit down at blackjack table, personality and kindness make people feel comfortable to keep playing. My job is to try my best to help tourists have a great time in Vegas, and I do a damn good job at it. I've had people come back to the table long after they finished playing to tip me extra money, and told me playing at my table made their vacation memorable. I talk to the cards, ask for the exact card they need to get to twenty-one, and to my own cards so I can "bust" and pay out everyone on the table. I sincerely want my customers to win, because its the casino's money and have nothing personal to lose. I'm already at work so I try to make the best of it.
While I do love my job, there was a certain lifestyle attached to it. Up until a few months ago I was working the night shift, 7 pm to 3 am. After work, often my co workers and I would sit at a nearby bar, gamble on some slot machines, and have a few drinks. This is what many dealers, or just people in the industry do after a tough shift. It can be difficult working with belligerent or rude people, and it tends to take the edge off. I know that people with regular 9 am-5 pm jobs often get together for a happy hour at a restaurant or bar after work. The difference here is accessibility. For the average person, they have to think of a place to meetup, and often go out of their way to drive to the destination. This can be a slight inconvenience and a provides a window of opportunity to possibly change plans. In Vegas on the other hand, any bar that you could possibly want is a short walking distance away. Not only is easy access something to keep in mind, but just about every bar in Vegas is open 24/7, so what time of day it is really doesn't even matter.
I went out after work almost every night for three years straight. It is so easy and not even questionable often times to get sucked into gambling and binge drinking until the sun comes up, eating something greasy, passing out, and do it all over again the next day. My husband and I would drink and gamble together a few times a week as well. We thought it was just what all local couples do and didn't think twice about it. The complications of a new marriage, the most painful passing of my dog of twelve years, and the death of my father just six months later only made my drinking and gambling habits worse. It was becoming an addiction. I was drinking so much I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. My face and body became so puffy. I was feeling unattractive and my self esteem was in the gutter. My life continued to spiral out of control and I could not bring myself to take responsibility for what was happening to me.
I made excuses for my drinking. I would tell myself, I had a hard day and I deserve this. I have to drink, it's the only way I can really spend time with my friends. It's no big deal, everyone drinks after work. I put aside how alcohol was truly making me feel by justifying my drinking with my environment and circumstances. The mind can only do so much to convince you that what you're doing is okay. A traumatizing hangover was my unfortunate reality check.
It was after one of my binge drinking and gambling nights with my husband. I went to work the night after feeling hungover but didn't think twice about it, because hey, what else is new? I usually could fight through it but this was no ordinary hangover. Just two hours into the shift I felt queasy and needed a pit boss to watch my table while I ran to the nearest bathroom and threw up. Nothing but bile came out of my mouth. This continued every 10 to 15 minutes and I was sent home because I was too sick to stay on the game. When I got home hugged the toilet and tried to take medicine, eat toast or something to make the vomiting stop. It never did. I couldn't even keep water down. I desperately waited for my husband to come home from work at 5 am to take me to an urgent care. I could barely walk and needed to take a plastic bag to throw up on the car ride there. After we got there, a nurse put an IV in my arm and also gave me some anti nausea medication. It felt like ice cold water being pushed through my veins, trying to replenish my severely dehydrated body. I was given a hospital blanket but it only helped so much. Even though I was freezing in that tiny room, it was all worth it because I finally stopped throwing up. After about an hour I had recovered well enough for doctor to write me a prescription and sent me home shortly after. I was finally feeling better. That is, physically anyway.
While my body felt better, my mind started racing and I became angry at myself. Every time that I hurled into that plastic bag, I asked myself why, along with so many other questions.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I constantly putting this poison into my body? Why am I choosing to escape from reality into an alcohol induced haze and letting life pass me by? Do I even enjoy drinking? What do I gain from drinking alcohol? How does alcohol really affect my life and my marriage? By asking myself those simple questions, the real answers were the first step of my healing process. My previous answers to these questions just didn't cut it when I vomited over eighty times over the course of the night. Lies I told myself meant nothing when my husband was holding my ice cold hand in an urgent care room praying that I'll be okay.
There really was no good reason why. I did not enjoy drinking, I just did it because everyone else did. I was living paycheck to paycheck from a never ending vortex of a drinking and gambling addiction. My first year of marriage was on the brink of divorce. While we may have kept appearances of a happy couple, we were truly struggling.
Sunrises were no longer a beautiful vision that made me grateful to be alive. They became an inconvenience to my internal clock because I wanted to continue to drink and gamble in darkness. Food was no longer nourishment to my body, but a necessity to have before I drank so I wouldn't get too hungover. I never had a restful nights sleep, I passed out. I wasn't living life anymore, I was watching it pass me by.
From that day, my life was never the same in the best possible way. I stopped gambling and cut alcohol out of my life completely. I am now extremely passionate about the use of cannabis for its healing properties. My body and face slimmed down to a person I can recognize in the mirror again. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. I enjoy nature and life itself in a way I never have before. Most importantly, my marriage is saved and I love my husband more and more each day.
So earlier when I received a text message from a friend asking me to go to a club tonight, it was hard to say no but I had to. I want to spend time with my friends but I cannot do so in a setting that truly is toxic to my life. When I'm in a bar or club, I'm not only seen as an outsider for not drinking alcohol, I feel like one as well. I can't go because when I'm put in a position where I'm surrounded by all of chaos its so much easier to just say "F it, one drink won't really hurt", knowing it will just push me into a cycle of destruction and possibly end all the progress I've worked so hard to achieve. To all my friends, I'm really not trying to be a buzzkill and I want to spend time with you! I just feel like there are so many other ways to hang out and spend time that do not involve alcohol. Come to my house, let's order a pizza and find a movie on Netflix. I'll share my edibles and we can enjoy literally anything we can find. Moana is straight up magical when you're high. Let's get frozen yogurt and go to a park.I will spend time with you doing just about anything as long as alcohol isn't involved. It may seem childish but it's what I have to do to live my best life. An added bonus is that I just might make you convert from occasional drinker to a cannabis enthusiast when you realize just how amazing it is and how you can really enjoy the little things in life so much more than you could ever know.
When some say alcohol makes you a different person, they weren't kidding. I don't personally judge anyone who drinks alcohol, and if that's your personal preference then by all means go ahead and have that drink.
I will say that if alcohol is becoming a problem in your life and it's affecting how you live on a daily basis, cannabis might be a tool in your recovery toolbox and a stepping stone on the way to living your healthiest and most fulfilled life.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This site uses cookies from Google to deliver its services and analyze traffic. Your IP address and user-agent are shared with Google along with performance and security metrics to ensure quality of service, generate usage statistics, and to detect and address abuse."
When first starting this blog I didn't know quite where to start or what to talk about, but this morning I received a text message from a friend regarding plans go to to a club tonight that got me thinking.
For some context, what I do for a living may be unique to some. I work as a party pit blackjack dealer in Downtown Las Vegas. Part of my job as being a "model dealer" is to look beautiful with glamorous makeup and wear skimpy outfits to attract customers to come play with us. We wear sparkly cowgirl hats and magenta sequin pink bras, along with a a black vest, fishnet stockings, booty shorts, and knee high boots as our uniforms. While appearances may get people to sit down at blackjack table, personality and kindness make people feel comfortable to keep playing. My job is to try my best to help tourists have a great time in Vegas, and I do a damn good job at it. I've had people come back to the table long after they finished playing to tip me extra money, and told me playing at my table made their vacation memorable. I talk to the cards, ask for the exact card they need to get to twenty-one, and to my own cards so I can "bust" and pay out everyone on the table. I sincerely want my customers to win, because its the casino's money and have nothing personal to lose. I'm already at work so I try to make the best of it.
While I do love my job, there was a certain lifestyle attached to it. Up until a few months ago I was working the night shift, 7 pm to 3 am. After work, often my co workers and I would sit at a nearby bar, gamble on some slot machines, and have a few drinks. This is what many dealers, or just people in the industry do after a tough shift. It can be difficult working with belligerent or rude people, and it tends to take the edge off. I know that people with regular 9 am-5 pm jobs often get together for a happy hour at a restaurant or bar after work. The difference here is accessibility. For the average person, they have to think of a place to meetup, and often go out of their way to drive to the destination. This can be a slight inconvenience and a provides a window of opportunity to possibly change plans. In Vegas on the other hand, any bar that you could possibly want is a short walking distance away. Not only is easy access something to keep in mind, but just about every bar in Vegas is open 24/7, so what time of day it is really doesn't even matter.
I went out after work almost every night for three years straight. It is so easy and not even questionable often times to get sucked into gambling and binge drinking until the sun comes up, eating something greasy, passing out, and do it all over again the next day. My husband and I would drink and gamble together a few times a week as well. We thought it was just what all local couples do and didn't think twice about it. The complications of a new marriage, the most painful passing of my dog of twelve years, and the death of my father just six months later only made my drinking and gambling habits worse. It was becoming an addiction. I was drinking so much I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. My face and body became so puffy. I was feeling unattractive and my self esteem was in the gutter. My life continued to spiral out of control and I could not bring myself to take responsibility for what was happening to me.
I made excuses for my drinking. I would tell myself, I had a hard day and I deserve this. I have to drink, it's the only way I can really spend time with my friends. It's no big deal, everyone drinks after work. I put aside how alcohol was truly making me feel by justifying my drinking with my environment and circumstances. The mind can only do so much to convince you that what you're doing is okay. A traumatizing hangover was my unfortunate reality check.
It was after one of my binge drinking and gambling nights with my husband. I went to work the night after feeling hungover but didn't think twice about it, because hey, what else is new? I usually could fight through it but this was no ordinary hangover. Just two hours into the shift I felt queasy and needed a pit boss to watch my table while I ran to the nearest bathroom and threw up. Nothing but bile came out of my mouth. This continued every 10 to 15 minutes and I was sent home because I was too sick to stay on the game. When I got home hugged the toilet and tried to take medicine, eat toast or something to make the vomiting stop. It never did. I couldn't even keep water down. I desperately waited for my husband to come home from work at 5 am to take me to an urgent care. I could barely walk and needed to take a plastic bag to throw up on the car ride there. After we got there, a nurse put an IV in my arm and also gave me some anti nausea medication. It felt like ice cold water being pushed through my veins, trying to replenish my severely dehydrated body. I was given a hospital blanket but it only helped so much. Even though I was freezing in that tiny room, it was all worth it because I finally stopped throwing up. After about an hour I had recovered well enough for doctor to write me a prescription and sent me home shortly after. I was finally feeling better. That is, physically anyway.
While my body felt better, my mind started racing and I became angry at myself. Every time that I hurled into that plastic bag, I asked myself why, along with so many other questions.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I constantly putting this poison into my body? Why am I choosing to escape from reality into an alcohol induced haze and letting life pass me by? Do I even enjoy drinking? What do I gain from drinking alcohol? How does alcohol really affect my life and my marriage? By asking myself those simple questions, the real answers were the first step of my healing process. My previous answers to these questions just didn't cut it when I vomited over eighty times over the course of the night. Lies I told myself meant nothing when my husband was holding my ice cold hand in an urgent care room praying that I'll be okay.
There really was no good reason why. I did not enjoy drinking, I just did it because everyone else did. I was living paycheck to paycheck from a never ending vortex of a drinking and gambling addiction. My first year of marriage was on the brink of divorce. While we may have kept appearances of a happy couple, we were truly struggling.
Sunrises were no longer a beautiful vision that made me grateful to be alive. They became an inconvenience to my internal clock because I wanted to continue to drink and gamble in darkness. Food was no longer nourishment to my body, but a necessity to have before I drank so I wouldn't get too hungover. I never had a restful nights sleep, I passed out. I wasn't living life anymore, I was watching it pass me by.
From that day, my life was never the same in the best possible way. I stopped gambling and cut alcohol out of my life completely. I am now extremely passionate about the use of cannabis for its healing properties. My body and face slimmed down to a person I can recognize in the mirror again. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. I enjoy nature and life itself in a way I never have before. Most importantly, my marriage is saved and I love my husband more and more each day.
So earlier when I received a text message from a friend asking me to go to a club tonight, it was hard to say no but I had to. I want to spend time with my friends but I cannot do so in a setting that truly is toxic to my life. When I'm in a bar or club, I'm not only seen as an outsider for not drinking alcohol, I feel like one as well. I can't go because when I'm put in a position where I'm surrounded by all of chaos its so much easier to just say "F it, one drink won't really hurt", knowing it will just push me into a cycle of destruction and possibly end all the progress I've worked so hard to achieve. To all my friends, I'm really not trying to be a buzzkill and I want to spend time with you! I just feel like there are so many other ways to hang out and spend time that do not involve alcohol. Come to my house, let's order a pizza and find a movie on Netflix. I'll share my edibles and we can enjoy literally anything we can find. Moana is straight up magical when you're high. Let's get frozen yogurt and go to a park.I will spend time with you doing just about anything as long as alcohol isn't involved. It may seem childish but it's what I have to do to live my best life. An added bonus is that I just might make you convert from occasional drinker to a cannabis enthusiast when you realize just how amazing it is and how you can really enjoy the little things in life so much more than you could ever know.
When some say alcohol makes you a different person, they weren't kidding. I don't personally judge anyone who drinks alcohol, and if that's your personal preference then by all means go ahead and have that drink.
I will say that if alcohol is becoming a problem in your life and it's affecting how you live on a daily basis, cannabis might be a tool in your recovery toolbox and a stepping stone on the way to living your healthiest and most fulfilled life.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This site uses cookies from Google to deliver its services and analyze traffic. Your IP address and user-agent are shared with Google along with performance and security metrics to ensure quality of service, generate usage statistics, and to detect and address abuse."
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